Feeling like a failure as a parent?

00:10Pastor Ken:When the parent is struggling, how do I pour into my children when I feel empty myself? That's what we're talking about today on Real Talk with PK. Welcome back to Real Talk with PK and all month we have been answering real questions from parents. We've talked about teenagers, phones and money and dating and discipline and strong-willed children. But today's questions are different because today the question isn't really how do I fix my child? The question is, what happens when I'm the one struggling? What happens when I'm the one struggling? That's what a parent wrote to us. Here was the actual question. How do I be a good parent when I feel like I'm failing in every way? And to be honest with you, when I read that question, my heart broke. I really just struggled with this question and I began to pray for this individual because they talked about struggling financially and feeling like they were not providing enough for their children. They talked about anxiety and depression. They talked about losing the spark in their life and the sense of who they used to be. And then this in the question, it was a several part question. Then they said this in their question to me is how do I be a good parent when I'm struggling each and every day? And I want to talk directly to that parent today. And maybe you're listening and thinking, you know what, PK, that's me. You're getting everybody ready and you're going to work and you're paying whatever bills that you can pay and you're trying to keep the house going and you're taking care of everyone else's needs. And then when everybody goes to bed, you're wondering who's taking care of you. Well, maybe nobody knows how tired you really are. And maybe nobody knows how worried you are. And maybe your children see mom and dad, but they they don't see inside of what you're going through and they don't see the questions that you're asking yourself. Where did I go wrong? So today isn't about giving you another list of things that you need to do because you probably already have those lists to do. Today we want to talk to you about how to keep parenting when parents need some help. That's what we're going to talk about today. And I want to welcome in to the podcast room once again, my wife, Rachel.

03:23Rachel:How are you? I'm great. Thanks again for having me here. Today, yeah, it's been a

03:27Pastor Ken:wonderful month, hasn't it? It's.

03:29Rachel:Been great. These are great. These questions have been so such a great variety. And yeah, this one today is going to be a lot tougher. It's kind of a different angle of things, but hopefully we'll be able to tackle it with some very helpful things and bring encouragement to to parents that are facing this.

03:45Pastor Ken:So question number one and so it was one question, but there was multiple questions in the one question that took up the whole card. Yeah, it took up the whole card. So I, I broke that question down into I think I have four questions in. OK. So that's how we're going to try to help this individual and many other parents that are struggling out there. So question number one is how do I be a good parent when I feel like I'm failing in every way? How do I be a good parent when I feel like I'm failing in every way? What do you want to address?

04:20Rachel:So, you know, we want to look at this word failure because there's a difference between I'm struggling and I'm a failure. You know, we all, if we're being honest, we all have times that we struggle, right? You know, especially in parenting, you have your ebbs and flows. You have good days, you have bad days. You know, when you have a family, when you're, when your children are young, you have days where they really cooperate and things seem to be clicking and everybody seems to be obeying. And then you have other days where everything seems to be out of control and kids are kind of going crazy. And so we have ebbs and flows. And so, you know, there are times where we're struggling, but it doesn't mean that we're a failure.

04:53Pastor Ken:They're not the same. You know you have.

04:55Rachel:You might have lost your patience today. You might be exhausted. Your house may not look like everyone else's house. And this is where the comparison trap, you have to be so careful because not everyone's dealing with the same deck of cards. We all have different life circumstances. You may have had parenting decisions that you wish you could redo. Yeah. And I think we've been really good about saying there, it's never too late for a do over, right? You know, for kind of not really a do over, but kind of a starting fresh where you regroup. And sometimes that looks like apologizing to your kids. That looks like maybe backtracking and saying, you know what, hey, we used to do things this way. But I've been really thinking about this. I've been really praying about this and I feel like we we got to set a new standard here.

05:37Pastor Ken:This isn't working. Kind of like a redo.

05:39Rachel:Yeah, kind of like a line in the sand or if you're, if you're in bowling and you're bowling a really bad game, you're going to put a line on the score sheet, you're going to draw. I would do this a thousand times. You know, if I was bowling a bunch of gutters, I'd take my pencil and I'd go up and down a hundred times because I wanted to stop throwing gutters.

05:55Pastor Ken:It didn't help. It didn't help, no. Yeah, it didn't. I've watched you bowl before.

05:59Rachel:I know, I know the the line the line I.

06:01Pastor Ken:Called you twinkle toes. You would like twinkle up there

06:04Rachel:and try to throw it. I don't. I didn't have the best form. It's so funny, I. Kind of I kind of, I gave up bowling. I mean, it is really fun and I come from a family of bowlers, but I just count myself out on that one. Now. There's just no, there's no point, right? But you know, everyone who's bowled knows you kind of start drawing that line on the score sheet because you're just. Dumb.

06:21Pastor Ken:I do it in golf. If I get a double I put a line there like no more doubles. We can't. You can only have. I don't want any, but if I have one I only want one in one round.

06:31Rachel:That line in the sand is really, yeah, you know, more of a mental

06:34Pastor Ken:thing in parenting. I think good parenting does not require perfect parenting, right? I think, you know, everybody compares themselves with the

06:44Rachel:person on Facebook or Instagram. When anybody can make. On social media, right, you know, and they only put clips on

06:51Pastor Ken:there where they're laughing, you know, and everything they they look like they got it together, the great grand Hawaii vacation, whatever. You know, we put our best forward on on social media, but that's not how life is. And so, you know, I think we get we get caught in that and I think we just need to be a parent who is present, honest, loving and willing to keep growing. You know, there are times that you and I, we could we could have done a better job. I mean, we're not perfect. Yeah. I mean, everybody looks at our family now and says, man, how did you guys?

07:31Rachel:Do it, but hindsight's 20/20 you right back and go wow, I would have done we. Made a lot of mistakes.

07:36Pastor Ken:Yeah, we made a lot of mistakes. They don't.

07:38Rachel:Those little guys, when they come out, they don't come with a handbook. They just don't.

07:43Pastor Ken:Right. And so, so you know, you, you, you just have to redo and you look back and, and say, you know what we can do better. And I think as the more children that you get, the the better you can be a parent.

07:59Rachel:You kind of learn from your mistakes, right?

08:01Pastor Ken:Yeah, we were hard on or. You don't.

08:02Rachel:You're not so hard on yourself, even. No, I agree. You know, but, yeah, saying I'm sorry, saying I was wrong, You know, Dad is having a hard day today. Mom is having a hard day today. You know, mom doesn't know the answer, but we're going to figure this out, right? I think it's OK to not be

08:17Pastor Ken:superhero to your children. You don't have to have all the answers. I mean, as a pastor, I don't have all the answers and, and I'm OK with that. I mean, there was a time in my, when I was younger, in my, in the early days, I felt like I needed to have all the answers. There's only one who has all the answers and His name is Jesus. And so we, you know, in our profession, we try to point people to Christ and give the best wisdom that we can on this earth, but ultimately we point people to Him. I love what the Bible says in Lamentations chapter 3, it says that His compassions never fail. And it's talking about the Lord. His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness. I think I want you to, I want parents to notice that, that phrase, They're new every morning. His mercies are new every morning. Now, maybe yesterday wasn't your best day, right? And that's grace for that day. But His mercies are new every morning. And so when you get up the next day, even though you might be in a difficult season, it doesn't mean that you're a bad parent. It doesn't mean that you're walking, you know, in defeat. You're in a difficult season right now, but His mercies are new. Every morning you got to you got to redo, you got to reload. Every morning you're like, OK, this is another day that we can try to accomplish something that I didn't do good yesterday, right?

09:54Rachel:Well I also love the Bible says, commit your way unto the Lord

09:57Pastor Ken:and He will bring it to pass, right?

09:59Rachel:He will bring what to pass, He will bring what you need. He will bring it to pass. He will be there with you. He will help you. He will give you strength. The Bible is full of the promises of God. The Bible says that they're yes and Amen to those that believe. And we just need to learn what the Bible says so that it can bring encouragement to our hearts because it really does. It really does help you in these these moments where you just

10:24Pastor Ken:feel so defeated, right? Well, we pass out a little book called the Promise Book, and it's every promise in God's Word, and they're free. Our church lovingly has bought a bunch of them and we pass them out to people. And I think it's a great way to remind ourselves of God's promises to us. You know when you're going through depression all. Categories in there.

10:47Rachel:If you're feeling grief, you look up grief and it has all the scriptures about grief. If you're feeling defeated, you know it gives you all it. Gives you all it does. Strengthen your heart. It does, and this because it's God's Word. That wrote these questions. As I read those, I was just praying for them and like their heart is just so we just feel like a failure and it just really, it really made us so sad.

11:07Pastor Ken:Yeah, well #2 of that question was, I feel like I'm failing financially. I can't provide the way I think I need to. And I thought of that and you know the part that I think I need to. And I, I know that when people listen to this, it might hit them a different way. Like it hit me, you know, on social media, we see the vacations, the clothing, the activities, the bigger house, the newer phones. And you think, man, my kids deserve that too, right? And I can't give it to them right now. And I thought of that question and I'm like, you know what? I grew up poor. I didn't know I was poor, but I want people to. I grew up in a 800 square foot house. The total house was 800 square feet. That's some room, living room size on a slab. There was no basement?

12:03Rachel:No. Place to store any.

12:04Pastor Ken:One bathroom, three small bedrooms, a small living room, and a small kitchen. 800 square feet. That's the house I grew up in, right? Then I graduate from high school, go off to college, and my mom and dad sell that house and get a bigger house when I'm gone with a basement. I'm like, really? You couldn't have done that when I live with you, right? So I, you know, and I grew up lower middle class. I didn't know that we were poor, but we were poor. Looking back at it now. And of course we'd have cell phones and all that stuff that we have today. But I want parents to understand, I think we got to separate two things here for parents to understand this point. Providing and purchasing are not

12:48Rachel:the same thing. That's really.

12:50Pastor Ken:Good. Providing and purchasing are not the same thing. Providing includes food, shelter, physical needs. Of course, that's right. That's But providing also means safety, stability, affection, attention, guidance, faith, right time and presence right

13:11Rachel:because. You can be rich and not have any

13:12Pastor Ken:of those. Exactly. Yeah, there are a lot of people who are wealthy and they have no time for their kids. They never show them affection. They think just buying them things. Meals together. They don't eat meals together. They just think, here's my credit card, do whatever you will with it. That's not affection that that's not provision provision, right. So I, I really want people to understand that we can't judge ourselves against other people. And I really never did as a kid. And I mean, all my kid, all my friends were probably, they all live, they all had nicer homes than we did. But I as children, I never thought of that. It wasn't a big deal back then. I mean, Donnie's house was bigger than my house. The Letty's house was bigger than my everybody's house was bigger than my house. I had like one of the smallest houses on the block. Yeah. But I never it, it didn't bother me, right?

14:10Rachel:You know, yeah, I was never bothered by it either. My our house was fairly small. Yeah.

14:15Pastor Ken:That never. But I I just wanted.

14:18Rachel:You had a lot of these great things.

14:19Pastor Ken:I did. My mom gave me, my parents gave me safety. They gave me stability. Yes, stability and affection and attention.

14:26Rachel:And you? Had a good family structure with

14:28Pastor Ken:a lot of support. Yeah, So I, I just think that, you know, my dad was, you know, he was a hard worker. He always went to work every day. That's one thing I learned about my father as he taught my siblings and I how to work. Yeah. And so, you know, I, I think that's so important in this that we don't minimize the, that aspect of this question.

14:56Rachel:The positive side of that is money doesn't matter in the things that matter, like dad always showing up, mom listening, you know our home has love. You know those are things that don't cost. You don't need a bigger paycheck to to provide those things.

15:12Pastor Ken:Right. No, you don't.

15:13Rachel:You know, and then when, when things are tough, when kids are going through tough times, you're there holding their hand, encouraging them, rooting for them, praying for them, pointing them to God. Those are all things that are so rich, right? So rich, Yeah.

15:29Pastor Ken:So I, I just want to, I, I know some people are really struggling. This individual that wrote this question, they're struggling financially. I don't want to belittle that either. I know that when you have money or more money, it does, it can make life easier. I agree 100%. I don't. But this is what I want. I don't want parents to compare themselves to the people down the street or people in their church. And you do what you can do to the best of your ability and and don't feel like you're lacking because if you're doing the best that you can do to your ability, then God's providing for you. And I don't want you to feel less than. Yeah, that's. True, right. And, and I think that's so important, you know, and my family, we never felt less than. They did the best that they could do. And God provided for us. I never went hungry, never went without. No, I never went without. I never went to bed on an empty stomach. So God protected us and guided us. And so I, I just, we live in a world today. It's different than how we grew up, but everybody compares. And I don't want parents to fall into that trap. Don't compare yourself.

16:46Rachel:Resources if you're truly needy financially and you're having trouble with the basic necessities of life, come to us. Come to, you know, get with somebody that can point you in the right direction. Because you know, if if you're not too embarrassed to share your situation with others, there are resources that we can help you tap into because we don't want anyone going without, especially food and shelter. Those are two, yeah. If you need help with your

17:10Pastor Ken:bills, if you you know there are resources that you know we can direct you to and help you, even our own church.

17:17Rachel:Can help so loving like even people, they need a bed. They need a bed for their son. They come to us, hey, I need a bed. One of my kids doesn't have a bed. You know, we put the word out and we usually have a bed for them by the end of the day. Yeah. I mean, people want to be helpful and and they have extra things that they're not using, right. So if they learn of a need, they're willing to come forward and help with that. So don't be shy about about making your needs known because we might have we might be able to come up with a good solution

17:41Pastor Ken:for you. Exactly. So just if you're listening to this, there's hope. We want you to know that and we're here to help you and we love you and we are praying for you. Another part of that question was this. I'm struggling with anxiety and depression and I feel like I'm losing the spark of who I am. That one really hit me. And you know, at times I think we just want to say, well, cheer up, you know, have more faith, you know, get just shake yourself out of this. And I I don't think that's the answer and I don't think that's what we should tell people.

18:18Rachel:That's not what they want to hear.

18:19Pastor Ken:That's not what they want to hear. But David wrote something in Psalm 42:5 and he said why my soul, are you so downcast? Why so disturbed within me? So David was feeling that he was angst, he was anxious, he was

18:36Rachel:downcast and he spoke to himself, you know, he

18:40Pastor Ken:identified, he identifies with that even Elijah, one of the greatest prophets in the in the Bible, tried to commit suicide. He he wanted to kill himself, right. And so, you know, I people don't need another lecture. They just don't. And that's not what this podcast is for. We are not going to lecture you. We sympathize with you, we love you, we want to encourage you. We know that you're physically, emotionally, spiritually drained right now. And so I think that's why the, the body of Christ is so important that we come around individuals who are struggling. And I think that's why you have to be honest. You know, when people come up to you at church and say, Hey, how are you doing? Say I'm not good, just be honest, don't put on this.

19:27Rachel:The front I really need someone to come alongside me. I'm really yes in this area. Let's pray, let's talk and. It really isn't a. Share the burden. It's a final. Strength when you can, you know, bare your heart and let somebody come alongside you and it's going to turn your, it's going to help turn your situation.

19:42Pastor Ken:Yeah, you have to talk to somebody that you trust, either your pastor, talk to a doctor, talk to, you know, get some help professionally. If that will help, talk to a friend, maybe a close family member or something like that, or somebody in in your community that you're a part of that can really minister healing to you and sympathize with you. I think that's people feel isolated today and I think this is why the church community, what we represent, works so well because. We want to be a part of your journey in life. We need to experience life together. It makes the journey so much more happier. So you know you can't continue pouring yourself out when your cup is empty, right? You can't do that and, and then condemn yourself for feeling short, like you're, you know, you're just empty. Well, you got to have some resources coming back in. And that's where community comes. It fills you up. Like we just had church yesterday. We're we're taping this podcast a little early than normal, but so it's today's Monday. But we, you know, we had church and I felt so full. I mean, community Sundays, it just fills you up. You know, we're together worshiping the Lord and and so you need to tell somebody immediately. Get help. We're here for you. We love you and we want to help in the situation.

21:13Rachel:Question #4 says how do I be a good parent when I'm struggling every single day? And this, you know, the same person that wrote these questions, you know, this really, this really just hit me hard, you know, every single day. That just is just such a mode of struggling that I was thinking immediately when I read this question. You know, when you fly on an airplane, it always says, you know, in the case of turbulence, an oxygen mask is going to drop down. Put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting. If you lose cabin pressure. Lose cabin pressure and you know, it always says that, you know, put your own oxygen mask on first before trying to assist others. And you know, it is important that we take care of ourselves, that we make sure that we're getting the the rest that we need, the help that we need, the resources that we need. And so, you know, when this person says be a good parent when I'm struggling every single day, you know, I was just thinking, first of all, you can't be a perfect parent. No one's going to be perfect. So don't be so hard on yourself, right? But what does faithfulness look like? You know, how can you be a good parent? How can you be a faithful parent? How can I show up for my kids? I can, I can be there for them. I can see them off in the morning. I can reach out with a phone call to see how they're doing. If they're grown, I can, you know, have one-on-one conversation with my, with my little young children and, and give them time to explain how their day went and what's going on at school. We can have dinner together. These are just little things that you do and when you, when they start adding up, it creates a healthy, happy home. So in and of themselves, each little detail may not seem very important, but when you start focusing faithfully on these little things, it all just kind of comes together in harmony for a much more beautiful family, a beautiful home life. And you're going to feel better about yourself. You're going to feel better

23:05Pastor Ken:about your outcome. Well, I think be faithful in the things that you are responsible for. So if you have young kids, you know, be faithful. Make a simple breakfast, but make it quality time with your kids, right? Get them dressed and ready for school. You know, instead of vegging out on the television when they get home, turn the TV off. Engage in them. How was your day? Here's a snack for you. You know, the little things that we can do to be faithful in today, not tomorrow, today. If I said on Wednesday night one time, God gives us a bucket of grace for each day and He gives us enough grace for that day from the time we get up till the time we go to bed. And the great thing about it is the next day you get up, there's another bucket full of grace, right? It's just, it goes back to how God provided for the children of Israel with manna. Every every morning the children of Israel got up in the wilderness. They had fresh manna for that day. They had enough for the day. And people who tried to to hoard it, to keep it, it rotted. So God was saying, in essence, God was saying, listen, I'm going to provide for you every day. I think as parents, we don't focus on the everyday. We think about the future way too much. We need to live in the moment. We need to live in the day and God gives us enough grace. And the Bible says in Matthew 6:34, don't worry about tomorrow, for each day has enough of trouble of its own right. So but sometimes I when I talk to parents, they're like, well, I got this next week of that. I'm like, don't worry about next week, let's get through today. I think when we focus on things that are outside of our today responsibilities, that's where we add stress into ourselves. We feel overwhelmed. We feel overwhelmed. We're like, well, I got this coming, don't worry about that. Let's just live in the bucket of grace that God gave us for today, one day at a time, one hour at a time. And I think your children can see humanity without carrying your burden. They know that you're busy. They know that mom and dad, work and life is busy. It's OK for I think it's OK for our kids to see us struggle because they know that life is real. Even in our struggle, we're teaching our children to rely on God right for each and every moment that we live in. So, you know, I think you can be honest with your kids and, and say, you know what, Mommy's going through a difficult season right now. It's just hard. But I love you and God's working in us and we're going to make it right. Or daddy's struggling right now, you know, and, and he's overwhelmed lately. But just pray for your dad and he's got a lot on his shoulders. We we can include our children without overtaxing them. They don't need all the details, no. They don't need the. Details. It doesn't have to be.

26:10Rachel:Lollipops and roses all the time.

26:11Pastor Ken:No And and you. Can and it teaches them to pray. So when you take, you know, we prayed with our kids every night, either you or me, we prayed with them and we would say, what do you want to pray for? Well, grandma had a issue and let's pray for grandma. I said OK great, let's pray for grandma or Papa had this and all right let's pray or or Sissy said that they took.

26:34Rachel:These concerns they did. They did so.

26:37Pastor Ken:I, I think that it's therapeutic when we're kind of when we're honest, not to the full extent. So I just want to reiterate that you don't have to tell your children everything that's going on in your life, but I think you do have to show them some of the difficulties. And we can be vulnerable enough where our kids can say, you know what, I let's pray for daddy tonight. I think that's very healthy, right? I think it's important. So, so I just, you know, that's, that's, that's where it's at. And I think that if we could just focus on each day and not get ahead of ourselves, I really, really believe that that's that's where it's at. And I and I want to just encourage you parent. Maybe maybe you clicked on this podcast because you're tired. Maybe you're listening in your car because you want somebody else to hear you cry. You don't want somebody else to hear you cry. So you went in your car and you listened to this podcast because you're overwhelmed. Maybe you've convinced yourself that my kids deserve somebody better than me. Can you please hear Rachel and I please hear me. Your children don't need a parent who never struggles. They need a parent who will show them what to do when life becomes a struggle. That's what we're just trying to talk about. They can watch you get help. They can watch you pray. They can watch you admit your own mistakes. They can watch you get back up on your feet. They can watch you trust God when you don't understand what's happening around you. And someday your child may encounter their own dark seasons in their lives, and they'll perhaps remember how you responded when you were in your season of doubt. I watched Mama go through that, or I watched my dad go through that. Or it was hard, but they didn't pretend. And they reached out, and they kept going. And God met us where we were. Friends, if that's you, I want to encourage you to be that way. Maybe you think that your struggle has disqualified you from teaching your children something new. And I want to tell you it has not. God may use you the way you are to walk through your struggle to teach your children something that maybe they couldn't learn on their own, but they see you and they're going to learn something. And I think that's so important. So your children don't need to see what they would never, never see you fall. They need to see where you turn yourself over to God and say, God, I need You, God, I, I want Your help here. And I think for us as believers in Christ, we turn toward Christ when life isn't fair, when life is hard, we turn to Christ. Rachel and I have done that our whole married life, 38 years we've been married and, and you know, we don't, we like doctors, but we go to Doctor Jesus. I mean, we go to our doctors and we, we go to our friends and we get some counsel at times in our lives. But there have been more. The majority of our times that we've had difficult seasons, we just went on our knees and we said, Lord, we need help. We need help in this practical help, Father. And I think sometimes God's provision will come through friends, family and professionals. I really believe that. But underneath everything else, I think this is where we need to land is where Jesus, I need You today. I need You. So I want to pray a quick prayer for you. And I want to, I just ask that if you were that struggling parent today, that you'll grab a hold of this prayer as I pray over you today. And Rachel and I come in agreement for you today. And that you'll just know that in this season, it will pass. This season will pass and you'll, you'll come into a brighter and a new flow of life. I, I really believe that, But right now it's a struggle. But I want you to know that we're with you. We're praying for you and we're believing the best for you. So Father, I pray right now, I pray for the mom and dads who feel empty, the one who feels like they're failing, Lord, the one who worries about money, the one who are battling thoughts and emotions and nobody else sees them. Father, the one who has lost their joy and wonder if they'll ever feel like themselves again. Lord, I pray that You'll remind them that You are near. I pray for strength for them today and give them encouragement today and to ask for help, Lord, to to, to not be an island to themselves. Lord, we pray surround them with people who will walk beside them and encourage them, provide what their family needs today. Lord, I pray restore hope for them in their difficult season that they find themselves in and help them see that even in the hard seasons of life, You're still working in them and through them. We pray this in Your precious name, Lord Jesus, Amen. Well, friends, as we close out week four of our podcast, I want to thank you for being a part of this month of Real Talk with PK. And I want to today especially thank you parents who care enough to write questions to us to answer. We got one more podcast on this subject and we're going to give that to you next week. But no matter what you're going through, I want you to know that you're valued in the Kingdom of God and that we love you so dearly and we are praying for you. And remember that you don't have to be perfect. You just have to be faithful. So until next time, keep the faith, keep moving forward, keep it real. God bless you. And we'll see you real soon on Real Talk with PK.